The Mental Turmoil of Saipan

Walls and shelves are covered with pictures, posters, and memories of friends. Collegians are hung by my bed. Quotes and songs to encourage me dapple my bedroom door. Sleeping with Friend's sweatshirt, wearing bracelets in remembrance, keeping journals for people close to me, and keeping Skype ever logged in - just in case someone happens to roam the web in search of me. -- I miss home. I miss life the way it used to be. I miss the familiar faces, smells, sounds, and nuances of the people I love. The people I love most. Those people I feel I've left behind...

Of course, I knew that coming here would bring this. I knew that it was an unavoidable part of life. But I guess we always try to avoid the unavoidable. We always try to stall what is inevitable. When God says "Go" He doesn't allow many conditions. It's just time to GO.

And then you find yourself, miles away or next door, walking a road that doesn't leave room for many opinions or preferences. Which is tough. It's not for the unmotivated. But it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Opening doors to what you've always needed. Deciding that God's will is your will, and that's what you want.

Here I am, in Saipan. Teaching little kids for almost nothing. Missing people almost every moment. But seeing a new picture of God every other moment. And in those moments, you know it's all worth it. It's worth the miles, it's worth the tears, and it's worth every minute spent away from the people you love most. Even though it's hard to see that some times.

I look up and see the stars at night. The same stars that my family sees. The same stars my friends see. We're all looking at the same sky. And we all serve the same God. So we're all where we're supposed to be, when we're supposed to be. We're all being used. And we all have the same destination. So why should I worry? ...