Riddles in the Dark

I’m sitting in my room. Lights off. The chatter of my room mates just barely penetrating my walls. It’s hot. I should turn on my air conditioner, but I don’t want to put forth the effort. And the endless droning leaves my ears ringing...

Today was one of those long days... the days you look back at and wonder how you could ever think the other days were tiring. Trip to PIC with the little kids, 5th & 6th Bible study, 3rd & 4th OpenLine, 1st & 2nd Science experiments, new principal meet-n-greet, trip to coffee with four high school girls, and a dinner with a conference executive. At the end of the day, everything piled up and smeared together, you just have to keep your mind on Friday, and how amazing that half day will feel when it comes.

And it’s about that point that my God smacks me upside the head. It’s about that point that God reminds me of how He designed me for more than looking for Fridays. Yes, thank God it’s Friday, but don’t forget that He needs you working for Him on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. The clock of God doesn’t have an alarm set for “when September ends.” The mind of God doesn’t shut down as soon as class is out at the end of the week. And the heart of God is never set on some distant holiday or coffee break. No. Not my God.

My God lives in the present. He lives inside of me. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, He’s active - running harder than me to help these kids... Exhausted? No, I don’t think God gets exhausted. But I also know that He offers me endless strength when I sit in Him. “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” The question is are you focusing on God’s joy, or your inadequacy? Are you focusing on your tired limbs, your pounding head? Or are you seeking the next vision of God, because one more glimpse is one step closer. Closer to the source of peace and rest.

On the way back from the special dinner tonight, I started crying in the car. The lights were off and it was dark, so my room mates couldn’t see. But you still feel a shred of ridiculousness. They were talking about staying one more year; how they wouldn’t and couldn’t do it. They needed to be home. They are home-bodies, they need to be near the people they love... I sat there thinking... Why am I different? Why do I give off this vibe that the people close to me mean nothing? Do I really seem so calloused and nonchalant? Because I’m NOT. I’m not calloused, I’m not okay with missing people, I want to be near the people I love, I desire those relationships, and I ache for them ALL THE TIME. I’m not less of a human, I’m not incapable of feeling sad when I think of home. I love family. I love friends. I need my support network. I cry for the people I love and that I don’t see.

But I have my God. My God has plans. And those plans have taken me miles away from home... and He has promised me that I’ll stay that far away for a while yet. Next year looks big. Next year scares me. Next year is something I’m afraid to face right now. So thank God I don’t have to face it until NEXT YEAR. I’m not calloused, I’m not a roaming body. I’m just resolute in my desire to be where God wants me to be, when He wants me to be there. I have no idea where I’ll be in two years, and I have no plans. Because He’s got them. My planning is pointless, useless. God always changes it up anyway. He’s got me. I am His. So what else matters? Where else would I rather be? There is no one else for me... None but Jesus

Long days, screaming children, and distant futures.

Loving God. Holding a bigger hand. Seeking His future

I feel a probing. A sense of change about to begin. A seeking for something to change. Like a tidal wave of reasons is about to break down my wall of things that hinder my relationship with God. Like characteristics once normal and everyday will become foreign and repulsive. It's a stirring. A stirring from the finger of God. Like he's dabbling in my pool of apathy - to get me ready for His monsoon of power. Just like He changed water into wine, He'll turn my apathy into desire, my questions in to absolutes, my comfort into restlessness, and my wonder into love.

I remember playing hide and seek as a kid. When people were searching for you, it was a weird mix of emotions. You sat in your dark corner, hiding, like you were supposed to. It seemed right to hide. People searched for you and pursued you. In your corner, you had a choice. You could come out of the shadows, get out of your uncomfortable position and be found. But that would be a role change. You would now be "it". You would be seeking, probing, and pursuing those hidden. It would require work. It would require effort. But you'd be out of the shadows.

So you sat there. Would you hide away and keep people from finding you in your dark corner? Or would you step out and claim the role layed out in front of you? The task of finding those hidden and lost... Did you want to seek?

Did you want people to see where you'd been? It was your dark corner and once you left it, they would all see where you had come from...

The seeker works so hard to find those ones who are hidden. It's their all-consuming task. God called us to be seekers, to be lookers, to pursue. He asked us to "seek and save the lost." It's pretty clear. From the dark corner there should only be one answer to the cry that rings through eternity... the cry of "All's set free!"

So come out. You're called. That probing? It's telling you to leave. It's telling you to come. It's telling you to go. To leave your corner. To come answer the call. And to go seek the hidden ones.

I feel a probing. A sense of change about to begin. A seeking for something to change...

Step into the Son.

Seek.

Here

I have loved and wandered

I have sinned and fallen

I am restored and risen

Here I am

I have chased and lost my way

I seek and I am changed

I need grace and finding faith

Here I am

I have waited on many things

Through my waiting I am changed

I am a seeker of this way

Here I am

I've stood here many times

I waited through the lies

My strength is seen through newer eyes

And I am still here...

PAGES

Page after page, I read and reread

I’ve read so many times, some times it’s hard to see

But yet I keep reading.

Reading, I’m believing

I’m believing there’s something else for me.

The pages that hold life hold my hand

The pages that teach truth teach me to stand

I read of a Man, who did more than I can

He’s asks me to follow. He asked me to follow...

Marked and worn, the pages still cry

Dirty and torn, they still ask me why

Daily I choose, daily I dive

Dive into this water...

and now I’m alive.

by Sacha Kravig

The Mental Turmoil of Saipan

Walls and shelves are covered with pictures, posters, and memories of friends. Collegians are hung by my bed. Quotes and songs to encourage me dapple my bedroom door. Sleeping with Friend's sweatshirt, wearing bracelets in remembrance, keeping journals for people close to me, and keeping Skype ever logged in - just in case someone happens to roam the web in search of me. -- I miss home. I miss life the way it used to be. I miss the familiar faces, smells, sounds, and nuances of the people I love. The people I love most. Those people I feel I've left behind...

Of course, I knew that coming here would bring this. I knew that it was an unavoidable part of life. But I guess we always try to avoid the unavoidable. We always try to stall what is inevitable. When God says "Go" He doesn't allow many conditions. It's just time to GO.

And then you find yourself, miles away or next door, walking a road that doesn't leave room for many opinions or preferences. Which is tough. It's not for the unmotivated. But it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Opening doors to what you've always needed. Deciding that God's will is your will, and that's what you want.

Here I am, in Saipan. Teaching little kids for almost nothing. Missing people almost every moment. But seeing a new picture of God every other moment. And in those moments, you know it's all worth it. It's worth the miles, it's worth the tears, and it's worth every minute spent away from the people you love most. Even though it's hard to see that some times.

I look up and see the stars at night. The same stars that my family sees. The same stars my friends see. We're all looking at the same sky. And we all serve the same God. So we're all where we're supposed to be, when we're supposed to be. We're all being used. And we all have the same destination. So why should I worry? ...

The Most Wonderful Nelly of Them All

Oh my Nelly, fine Nelly
You are sitting in your belly
I wish that I could call you
But I don’t have a telly

Sacha woke up in the morning
And with joy I realized
That my dreams were all of you
I know it’s not much of a surprise

My gastric juices gave a great rumble
Not from hunger. No, my friend
But from a simple desire
To once again see my girlfriend

Frederick the papaya
Often teases me these days
He can’t seem to fathom
Why I play these “lover’s games”

I just tell that papaya
That he’ll never understand
He’s just a green papaya
He doesn’t even have hands

Then I remember; neither do I...
But that’s okay you see!
Because I have a love named Nelly
And she’s handless.
Just like me...

by The Mighty Leo

Beach Pondering

It's a blustery day in Saipan. The waves kick higher than usual and my hair is ever caught in an inconvenient direction by a hot NW wind.

Shells, coral, and smooth colorful rocks line the edge of the tide. I'm setting my mind on keeping dry, but the whistle of the waves is taunting me. I look down at my feet in the sand. My sandals are old, and the feet inside are dirty and stained from a day of work. Tired from a day of stressing. And worn from tasks of life. I look at them without averting my eyes. The warm water on the white sand becoming more and more attractive. . . Finally, off the sandals go, and I slowly meander to the water. Even here, so close to the shore, the water is a brilliant blue. It's laughter laps around my grimy toes.

Lunging and pulling, dancing and darting, the water slowly, oh so slowly coaxes me in. The water, cool at first, tingles and awakens my feet. I go deeper, letting my feet sink into the shifting sand. Back and forth. Back and forth. The pulling motion tugs at your very soul. Makes you want to plunge into the never ending current.

Turning to look behind, I notice that my footprints are slowly disappearing beneath the waves. The marks of my slow journey in are fading away. And urge tugs me within to go back and make new prints or even correct the old ones . . . But, just as quickly, the urge is calmed and quieted. I know where I'd rather be. It's not about how I got here, it's simply the fact that I'm here. That my feet are clean after the journey, and I'm in the waves again.

The End of Pain

Blinding white and altering sight

The clouds blink and shiver in this cold, winter wind

The silence is pounding and thrashing and singing

The glare in my eyes is inspiring

From white to white the sunlight dances

It spirals in ecstasy to see me

I tap me feet and resist the urge to join this dance in the sky

To link arms with wind and worlds, to join this dance in the sky

Stare at me, watch me fly

I’m the one who’s alive

The sea of clouds is calling you, daring you to breathe

The universe laughs and waits for us to come away and drink

Wind, sky, clouds, earth

Throw in some sunshine and rain

Come and dance like never before

This is the end of our pain

by Sacha Kravig

Saipan and Managaha

Cute fishies, azul waters, white sand beaches. . .

Saipan. Oh Saipan.

I'm in Saipan. SM, teacher, student, missionary, I get called lots of things. I guess it doesn't really matter what I'm called, it just matters that Someone called me . . . And He did. And here I am. No cares except for the ones He gives me. No burdens except what He lays on my heart. And no greater joy than to know that I'm right where I need to be, when I need to be there. I'm am free to live, free to give, free to be. I'm free to love Him. So, I'm loving Him. In Saipan