All my devotion

Cappuccinos are beautiful things. Soy cappuccinos. With a shot of Amaretto. Beautiful. And there’s very few things better than drinking a cappuccino at a sidewalk café with a friend. Glorious. I was doing just that a few days ago, and the conversation was flowing from laughing about some puppies playing at our feet to the more serious matters, lodged deep in our minds. And it all happened over cappuccinos. As we talked about life, we discussed the subject of friends. This has always been a confusing subject for me. I have a pretty bad track record, really. That bad record had left me pretty down about the idea of getting close to people and letting them love me. The idea of “best friend” was a pretty disgusting one to me. Yes, I have lots of friends, I love people, and I love interacting with everyone I can find… But actually letting someone lodge themselves under your rib cage, next to your heart, where they could choose to either love or despise you…? Yeah… no. What if they decided to run away? What if I decided to run away? That all sounded too painful. And maybe I had already had some experience with trial and error… I was analyzing my thoughts out loud to my friend that day, when she stopped me. She looked at me and said, “Maybe you don’t need a best friend. You just need a true friend. And I want to be that.”

A day after my conversation, I was talking and praying with a friend of mine, Amanda Potter. She’s an inspiring woman of God and I look up to her in so many ways. She was praying for me about my feelings of inadequacy before God. She stopped mid-sentence in her prayer and she looked at me. She said, “Sacha, God just wants to be your friend. He wants to be your true friend. He’s never going to leave you or forsake you, He won’t chase other lovers, He’s not going to leave you behind. You’re afraid to step forward because you’ve fallen into traps before and you’re afraid that you’ll do it again. But God is laying those bare before you and He’s going to guide you. He’s going to walk with you… Because He’s your friend. Sacha, just learn to sit like Mary, at the feet of Jesus. Just pour your oil on His feet and let Him love it. He’s never going to dislike the scent, or think that you didn’t pour out enough, or be irritated by the way that you did it. He’s just so happy that you’re there and that you’re loving Him. Because He’s the best friend you’ve ever had. He’s a true friend.” I cried.

In July of 2009, I was in Redding California at the Jesus Culture Conference. Kim Walker was speaking at a morning break-out session on true worship. I sat just a few feet from her and listened to her talk about the idea that worship is connection. Worship is connection. We don’t go to church to get connected, we need to live connected, and come to church with that connection already established. We need to fight for our connection, and work on it all week. Weeks in college can be hard, I know. Life can be hard, I know. Believe me… I know. But we don’t need all the right answers to worship God. We tend to hold ourselves back when God doesn’t answer us, but we’re just playing hard to get. It’s hard to stand before God and say, “I won’t require something of You for You to have my heart. Your love makes it worth it all. And whether or not I see the glory, I will fight for the connection.” Is your greatest desire connection? Have you decided that He’s worthy? Are you ready to search for intimacy and let God set the terms? Are you ready for a friendship?

He’s a true friend. He’s a lover. He’s waiting. For me. For us… all He wants is connection. All He wants is me, unashamed, holding nothing back, sitting at His feet and pouring out everything. He’s more than worthy of my time, my love, and my trust. Let me put it in the words of Kristene Mueller:

“Beautiful Man, Beautiful God, You’re more than worthy my time. More than worth these longings of my heart – left unfulfilled, just for a time. And I know You don’t come as easy as some, but I will watch and pray… I will watch and pray. Take it all – but give me Jesus. I don’t want any other lovers, because all of my devotion belongs to this Man.”