20 Years With God... What Now?

I don’t feel mature. Nope. Not even close. As a child, I thought that by the time I had reached the amazingly-awesome-crazy-cool age of 20, I would have the entire world figured out and spend my days stunning the world with my abilities and my maturity. Then I woke up as a 20 year-old going on 21 and realized that I was no where near mature.
I remember the day I was baptized. I was a 9 year old in the College Church (Yes, it was called that back then...), and Pastor Karl Haffner was my hero . As I waited in the wings behind the baptismal tank, I was nervous and excited. I felt ready. I stepped down into the tank at my official cue (Something like, “Sacha, will you please join me.”) and climbed on the stool placed in the water for me. Yes, I was short, thanks for noticing. I went under just like I had practiced, and as I came out of the water I realized something... I was not very mature. Even at age nine I noticed my own immaturity. I had expected some great revelation from God or a dove to appear, but instead I only thought about how nice it was in the water, and I hoped that Pastor Karl would hold me under longer so that I could swim around a little bit. Yeah, I was definitely feeling immature.
Sometimes I wonder how much has changed. Probably not much. And, in some ways, probably a lot. Not much has changed because I still find myself in these amazing “God moments” that are intended to change my life forever, and all I can think about is swimming. But a lot has changed because now I’m seeking out more of those “God moments.”
Inadequacy. That’s a pretty big word. And an even bigger concept. Try wrapping your mind around it sometime, and let meknow how it goes. I believe that my feelings of immaturity radiate frommy need for “adequacy.” What does God want from me? Am I doing the wrong things? What can I do to be more “spiritually mature?” What is the meaning of life? Okay, maybe not the last one, but the rest of those questions rear their ugly heads in my life far too often. I think God curses the day “living for Christ” became translated as “living up to the standard.” Adequacy. Yuck.
I asked my grandma about this the other day. I said, “Grandma, do you feel mature?” You wanna’ know her answer? Blew me away... She said, “No.” I turned to look at her with amazement and said, “Me neither.” She told me that it’s like learning a language; the more you know, the more you know you don’t know. A Chinese proverb says, “The wise man knows that he is not wise.” I’m not quite sure what that means, but it makes me feel a bit better to know that other people are confused too.
God never asked me to be mature. He never asked me to be adequate. He just tells me that He’s adequate - that He is MORE THAN ENOUGH. So I don’t have to worry. He gives me what I need when I need it. I’m glad I don’t have it all figured out right now... I’m glad that I am still looking for my purpose in life. I kind of hope that I’m looking for it until the day my life ends. I hope that I’m searching, always searching, and always unlocking new doors.
20 years with God... Maybe now it’s time to become a kid. Time to stop worrying about how mature I am, and just be happy making mud pies with Jesus. When I grow up, I want to be a kid. I want to be a kid with Jesus.